Fuck computing

The questions in this subject are so stupid. One I was just asked was “What would be the best type of internet package for a granny wishing to keep in contact with family in Australia.”

My answer:

Up until recently, a dial-up package would have been the best choice but due to pricing changes, it has now become more economic to go for a broadband package. The old biddy may well be better off writing letters, since she’s bound to fuck up the computer anyway. To be perfectly honest, her incessant nagging and general grossness may well have been the reason all her living family moved half way around the world to get away from her. If I were them, I’d set up a mail filter to send everything straight to the spam box alongside such delights as Viagra adverts & mail order brides.

God I love sarcasm.

You’re friendly neighbourhood Panda.

Some say he is a myth.

Some say he has forgotten how to reproduce.

Some question the fact if he is even a Panda at all.

But all we know is that for a living, he plays with frozen meats.

And now he comes to entertain you, in the form of blogging about rubbish.

Betamax

Okay, I’ve seen some backward customers in my day but this one was something else. A guy came in earlier asking for a drive belt for his betamax player. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it was the format that lost against VHS. Sorta like we recently had Blu-Ray vs HD-DVD, it was once VHS (your normal videos) vs Betamax. He said he didn’t want any of these new fangled VHS systems and I wouldn’t get him to buy one.

Oh. Dear. God.

I asked him if he had been frozen in time for 20 years. Seriously, he’s spending £5 on drive belts when he could get a DVD Player for £10~. Plus, what are you even watching on that thing? Not even porn was ever on Betamax so that can’t be it. And you can’t record on them. Oh who knows?

What a pillock.

More on the subject of Penis.

Okay, I don’t know if anyone saw this earlier!

A baby in China has been born with 2! One on the front and o ne on his back! Shame the surgeons removed it, could have been a great ice breaker in bars when he grows up.

On an ironic note, Chinese folk get one shot at a kid. And they got this freak.

Lolabeans.

Dear Fans…

Ive entitled this post ‘Dear Fans’. Of course I’m refering to Cian and Panda as they are the only people sad enought to read our work.

I’m a little worried that Cashew Nuts is failing our audience somehow. I havn’t posted in a while because I havn’t had anything to post about. This made me think…maybe I’m not as angry at the world as i thourght.

I used to be able to think of so many things in this world that angered me and it appears being part of the Cashew Nuts team has helped me unleash my anger and also calm my anger to a more socially acceptable state.

So i plea to you world…make me angry again! Honestly, are you people so stupid that you actually listen to what Sam and myself have to say and then act on it…you silly people! Don’t listen to me or Sam, if you don’t listen to us it gives us more to write about!

So I’m off now. Laters…

Oh to be Romanian…

Well, I stumbled across this little gem earlier on. All I can say is what the hell?

To give you a rough idea of what happened, a Romanian Urologist was working on a man’s testicular deformity when he made a mistake & cut the urinal passage. Instead of keeping calm & repairing the damage, he got angry and hacked the whole penis off then diced it up in front of the nursing staff. Now he’s complaining because he might get sued.

To get the boring legal thing out of the way first, he shouldn’t be sued at all. If they allow him to be sued, it sets a precedent and all future patients will be able to sue doctors directly rather than the hospitals for malpractice. Anyway, back to the funnies…

Nobody thought to STOP him at all? I mean, surely it has got to take more than one stab at it to remove it and then even after this it is still able to be re-attatched. But no, they sat and watched him dice it up like a freaking carrot and did nothing. Nothing at all.

“A Romanian court has now awarded Radonescu £20,000 costs – to pay for the operation to rebuild his ruined penis using tissue from his arm – as well as 100,000 pounds in damages.”

What the hell? That’s it? £120,000 for the loss of your freaking cock?!? Remind me to never ever EVER visit Romania. I mean, I was skeptical when The Cheeky Girls came into existance but this takes the biscuit!

Well, it was good while it lasted

So we’re back at college again for another 6 weeks, utterly pointless if you ask me. 6 weeks to learn things we’re gonna forget & have to recap in September anyway. Ah well, out of our hands I guess, the obscene amount of free periods will keep me going, just lounge about in the sun. Which reminds me, I need sun cream!

Oh and if any of you saw me running around with a bin liner earlier, well – don’t ask.

Hold up Nintendo

Why have I not questioned this until now:

For those of you who have lived in a cardboard box for the last 27 years, this is Donkey Kong, a flagship gaming icon.

But here’s the problem. His name is Donkey Kong. What the hell has he got to do with Donkeys?!?! He’s a freaking ape who’s soul purpose is to jump over barrels.

Should his name not be Monkey Kong?

Speaking of non-primary companys. Apple have apparenly confirmed they’re going to be releasing a 3G version of the iPhone. Sucks to be one of the people that bought the crappy EDGE version… Why an iPhone though, they’re godawful.

Anyways, be sensible with character naming. Otherwise in 27 years, some random ginger kid could be questioning it. Wouldn’t want that now would we?

Performing Arts kids…

Alike Sam I am all for people doing theatrical works and performing arts stuff for a hobby. I myself have dabbled in this. When it becomes your life and you start to obsess over it, thats when you become what I like to call a ‘Performing Tart’ (see what I did there…im clever me).

News Flash Kids, High School Musical is a sham. Not once in my life have i suddenly burst into a song and dance routine with my friends in the middle of a shopping centre and not once has every member of the public around me joined in with the dance routine that we all magically knew. And we can’t forget the omniscient music now can we?

Sam is right. Disney has gone downhill. I remember seeing Toy Story in the cinema. I remember standing in line for 2 hours to buy a Buzz Lightyear action figure. I remember seeing Hercules in the cinema. I remember sitting at home watch the classic disney films, Robin Hood, Cinderella, Fox and the Hound, Snow White, Dumbo, Bambi.

The point is great films get shown in cinemas. Now I’m not saying all films shown in cinemas are great (Titanic proved that). But if High School Musical was that great…why was it only ever shown on Disney Channel?

Theatrics & Amateur Dramatics

Okay, here’s something I’ve always wanted to discuss.

Kids that are into performing arts.

Wow.

Really?

Performing arts? M’kay, so it turns out your beloved son who you thought would be into football & rugby and girls, is in fact, a flaming homosexual. Now that’s not a problem. I’m down with the gay thing, that’s cool. It’s the god damned cockiness that comes with it. You’re in a play, go you. Everybody still things you’re a tosser and you’re no better for it.

I’ve got a lot of friends involved in the performing arts scene. Again, cool – I’m supportive. But does it really have to soak up every single minute of every single day? You’ve got to have priorites in life. When you put the works of William Shakespear before everything else in your life, you’re not thinking straight.

The main grind I have with these guys though is the obsession with High School Musical, claiming it’s some kind of inspiration. Inspiration huh? The only thing that film has inspired me to do is hate happy people. That’s right, I’ll be the first to say it – High School Musical killed my inner child.

What happened to the good old days when Disney films were… Oh I don’t know – good? WALL-E looks like it might salvage the company’s reputation but then I discovered this:

God only knows what unforseen damage this could do to children growing up in this world. The world is a horrible, horrible place children. Really, it is, Godawful.

That’s not just me being my usual cynical self. That’s the harsh truth. The world isn’t LIKE this. Take High School Musical 2. A whole group of friends ALL go on a summer vacation and get jobs at a golf course and sing faggy songs about how they have to work. Sounds thrilling doesn’t it. What makes it worse is that when I worked in the Disney Store over Christmas ‘07, I had to put up with said faggy songs over and over and over.

Do they even look like rockers to you?

No. THAT is what real rockers look like. And if you don’t know who that is I suggest you put your headphones back in & keep bopping your head along to Britney Spears. I’m sure you’ll find comfort and solace in knowing that no matter how bad your life gets, at least you aren’t that drugged up, smack-addicted crackwhore who used to have a smidgeon of talent. Oh, and may I add, also started working for Disney. Funny how that worked out eh Vannessa Hudgens?

Coming back to performing arts kids though. Would you give it a rest? I mean, even the football-heads and the goths aren’t that obsessive. Take a day off already!

For the record, this wasn’t aimed at anyone in particular, just general ranting

–Samwise Out