Welsh Leisure Centre…

I resent all jokes made towards the Welsh especially those reffering to the sick joke about the Welsh Leisure Centre.

I also LOATHE cats.

That ain’t no fluffy

So as some all of you may know, I spent a vast amount of time on the internet. It’s true. I actually want a way of installing Wikipedia in my head. Just imagine the possibilites… Aaaanyway, how have I spent all this time connected to the greatest source of information on the planet and not found this:

A freaking two-headed cat. Now the only possible use I can come up with for a two headed cat involves… Oh wait, I can’t think of a use for a two-headed cat.

See now a two-headed sheep, there’s a market for that amongst the welsh. A two-headed dog would make for an excellent guard dog, not quite the three-headed dog from Harry Potter but it’s a step in the right direction.

But what is the genetic advantage for a two headed cat? Hell what is the advantage to a cat in general? Could anyone please enlighten me as to the purposes of catdom and all its glory, because until someone points out to me why they exist, I will simply continue to loathe their being.

Dogs > Cats

Endof.

For the record…

I’m not really a food critic.

I just criticise food. Theres a difference.

Cashew Nuts…

Im Ross and I’m the real reason Cashew Nuts started. Cashew Nuts all started because of a bulletin i posted on myspace entitled, youve guessed it, ‘Cashew Nuts’. This bulletin was a rant at how the people of Not-So-Great Britain are incredibly stupid. Heres the bulletin…

A thourght crossed my mind today…either the whole world is really stupid or I’m just really angry at the world…

Firstly, friday morning, I’m sitting on the sofa eating my wheatabix, watching GMTV and theres this guy sitting there talking about how old people can save money and that depending on the situation they may be entitled to a brand new boiler and cheap rate electricity. This is all very well and I gave the man respect for trying to help less fortunate people, untill he said and you can find out if your entitled on this website…

Now I’m sorry but, realistically, how many pentioners that can’t afford electricity have computers???

So later that day im walking through Romford Town Centre and theres a trampy fellow playing a rather depressive tune on an acordion of all instruments. This man (possibly from eastern europe) was infact busking. Now chances are he is infact an immigrant and living (*cough* Poncing *cough*) off of the state. This means that all the nice honest tax payers are paying his rent and living costs so that he can then sit in a town centre all day and play his silly instument…

Now correct me if I’m wrong but surely its wrong to live of benefits, which is essentially our money, and then sit in a town centre and ask us for more of our money when reallistically your not doing anything productive or usefull to make money???

I’m not a fan of vegetarians as it is. Scum. Thats what they are. Scum. Humans have teeth especially designed for tearing meat. Like dogs. Thats why they are called canines. Well anyway…all these vegetarians won’t eat meat, or wear suede, leather or fur because its cruel and against the animals rights but they will buy clothes in Primark that were made in a sweatshop by poorly payed Mexicans who get beaten with sticks unless they reach their 1000 shirts a day quota.
Surely thats against the Mexicans human rights???

Now your probally thinking that cashew nuts have absolutely nothing to do with this bulletin and that it was a catchy subject that would make you think ‘whats good ol’ Ross posting a bulletin about cashew nuts for?’ when its a silly quiz…well ive called your bluff this time as this is now the story of cashew nuts…

I’m sitting in the bar after work last night sipping on my blackcurrant and coke and I decide to treat myself to a pack of salted cashew nuts. So I eat my cashew nuts (they were quite nice incase your wondering) and i then drop the packet on the bar…the back of the packet is facing up and I notice that on the back of a bag of CASHEW NUTS it says ‘May Contain Traces of Nuts.’

This angered me. Firstly I was angry because it said it may contain traces of nuts. I’ve just paid 65p for a bag of cashew nuts but there might not be any cashew nuts in the bag at all. What a vicious trick that would be. Secondly it angered me at the fact the company that produce these bags of cashew nuts feel they need to put this statement on the back because they clearly believe that their consumers with nut allergies are too stupid to know that a big of salted cashew nuts may infact contain traces of nuts and that they cant eat them.
Is the world really this stupid???

I didn’t really do much today, I stayed home, came on myspace and realised how pointless some peoples profiles are. Why have myspace if your going to rearange your profile so that all you can see if your display name, default, two words and another photo that is of a model or a bottle of wine? thats just silly. Surely your profile should reflect who you are…now people with these ‘blank’ profiles…these tell me that you are boring, bland, and have a personality defect. Alot like scampi.

And also…why have a picture of you and your boyfriend/girlfriend kissing? Its tacky. Isn’t it obvious enough that you like each other, otherwise you wouldnt be together would you. You wouldnt put a picture on your myspace of you and your boyfriend/girlfriend having sex to prove to the world that you love them would you? No. Well, unless you are really strange…
And another thing about myspace…pointless bulletins. ‘Comment my pics’ is not a valid bulletin topic. If your friends cared about you that much they would regulary check your myspace and comment you and your pictures without being asked. Another type of bulletin i hate…quizzes. Why? What point do they serve? I dont care what the 5th text in you inbox says or what colour socks your wearing. But the most hated of all myspace bulletins is when people have conversations. Thats what phones, email and msn were made for. You could be really adventourous and leave the house and talk to your friend face to face.

Its saturday night and I’m sitting here typing this bulletin. I’m 17 years old. I should be out enjoying myself. I need a life. But then to be fair you are the one thats just read this bulleting which means you are also in on a saturday night. You need a life to.

And that was the bulletin that sparked our idea to start what we now call cashew nuts. A place where Sam and I can complain to the world.

Anyway, this is my first post on cashew nuts over and done with…

So remember folks… ‘When God gives you lemons, Get a new God’ Robert Reiley

Hello World

Well, welcome to Cashew Nuts, the joint blog of Samwise & Ross.

I’ve tried a few blogs in the past but could never be arsed to follow through but I think this one’s gonna be different because I’m buddying up with everyone’s favourite food-critic, Ross Bibby.

I don’t know who you are reading this, after all you could be anyone. You could be a friend from college, checking out what new hair-brained scheme we’ve come up with or you could be a poor soul who has stumbled upon this page in the false hope of finding information on a type of nut. I’m afraid the only type of nut you will find here is a ginger nut!

Over the course of the next however long this little project runs for we will aim to entertain you with our general observations, ramblings, complaints, harpings, bitch-sessions and the like without making it too painful on your part.

A word for the wise. It’s gonna get sexist, racist, homophobic, sacreligious and down right nasty at times. So unless you’re a black lesbian catholic, buckle up… It’s gonna be a bumpy ride.